Why does someone write a manual like this?
I grew up within a Jewish family and its community in Melbourne. My parents' families migrated to Australia prior to the Holocaust in response to violent anti-Semitism. My training as a boy was intrinsically tied to the message of never again. I believed that a strong cultural identity gave strength as I faced potential danger in an undeclared Church-State hegemony.
I began to question this identity. At puberty I remember hearing the story about Jericho and its destruction simply because it was there and its inhabitants were not the chosen people. I thought this was unfair and questioned the basis of this masculine, monotheistic god and the created bureaucracy surrounding him called religion.
How could a culture rich in stories of surviving oppression perpetrate harm to others? I was learning the human capacity for ambiguities, double standards, contradictions and paradoxes. I realised that anyone could be oppressed if they had behaviour or an identity different to those in power and that this power was relative and ever changing.
From an early age I was inducted into aspects of dominant masculinity. I learnt to externalise my feelings and to deny and avoid significant parts of my internal experience. On one hand I learnt that success in life equated to a cocktail of athletic ability, brain power, materialism and individualism. On the other hand I learnt that quality of life was far more important than quantity. I learnt that family and cultural belonging was fundamental to happiness.
Some of my rites of passage in my induction to manhood included my Bar Mitzvah which consisted of a grandiose social and religious event of attaining puberty and my regular pilgrimage, without my parents, to idolise the Collingwood Football Club. These ritualistic events reinforced my developing beliefs about the dominance of men's rights, responsibilities and privileges associated with my perceived and expected identity. My participation with competitive sport guided my beliefs about the importance of winning, the sacredness of ritualistic warfare and the importance of denying feelings unless they could be expressed from a position of dominance.
With the support and influence of friends and a need to establish my own identity away from my family of origin I became strongly involved with the counter establishment youth cultures of the 1970's and 1980's. This included its many subsets such as the women's, gay, anti-racist, environmental and communal lifestyle movements.
My family and culture of origin had instilled in me germinating seeds about not colluding through silence to the persecution of others. Whether it was anti-Semitism, domestic violence or child abuse it was important to speak out about the resistance of the survivors and victims and to examine the extent of my participation.
At first I generally dared not intervene in situations involving violence and vilification towards women, people with actual or perceived homosexual behaviour and people from non-Anglo Australian ethnicity. To an extent I participated to ensure my perceived belonging with my peer group. This belonging was based on the notion of protecting my masculine privilege and the avoidance of clearly destabilising it.
The influence of the women's and the gay movement increased my awareness of my participation in this violence to the extent that I believed if I did nothing I was part of the problem. This meant more than just getting in touch with a wider range of my feelings. I needed to examine my participation in power, status and privilege over others. I needed to recognise, take responsibility and establish processes of accountability for my violence to others. It was from here that my personal search led me to be an educator in the gender and violence area.
My hopes at first were to create new utopian social structures based on equity, justice and environmental sustainable principles. Twenty years later, I also believe in the importance of transforming existing social structures towards these principles with a focus on critically examining and celebrating my life. I aspire towards a lifestyle with less focus on individualism and self determination and more focus on cooperation and inter-dependency.
Through my process of exploring personal responsibility, I continue to be aware that I am also inculcated with the very values and privileges of masculinity that I am trying to challenge and invite others to challenge. I know this process of examining and taking personal and professional responsibility for my attitudes and behaviours will go on through my life.
My work as an educator, focusing on the effects of gender, has primarily been supported and challenged by my adopted and created family. This consists of three other adults whose different life paths have led them to intersect with mine and four children who are our contribution to the future. My sense of belonging in the world is framed by my connection to them.
Even though I have many dissimilar values from my parents, siblings and their families, they remain highly significant in my personal identity. I continuously revisit moments and events in my life story, explore unfinished business and constantly find new meanings. The presence of my past is never far away.
Through my involvement as an educator in the young men and gender awareness area I have had the privilege of listening to many young men's stories of their recruitment and induction to masculinity. I have empathised with many of their stories about their frustration, pain and sadness, of how they at times have hurt others, been hurt themselves or witnessed others being hurt. I have continued to be inspired by many of their joys of life and their hopes for a peaceful and cooperative future.
Stories related to my life and gender go on. Recently my five year old son was being harassed at school by two older boys. A few days later he told me that the two older boys were now being harassed by some other boys at school. I asked him if that was good or bad. He replied that it was bad for them but good for him because they were now too busy avoiding the other boys and not harassing him.
The Boys Talk manual is my contribution to the process of inviting young men and those in their lives to explore the meanings of their stories and live in a more peaceful, just society.