Up until the age of almost 8 years my name was Nadiamerimemni. When I arrived at Akhetaten at the Royal Court of Akhenaten and Nefertiti as a gift from my father to Akhenaten I could not understand their language. They kept repeating these words, Ankh-sen-pa-aten. Later on I realised that Ankhsenpaaten was now my name and Nadiamerimemni had ceased to exist.

I was so frightened. There were all these people, adults and children, crowding around me and chattering gibberish with this, Ankh-sen-pa-aten repeated all the time. Then all these women and children were lined up and they were bringing me to each one in greeting. Some were babes in arms. One woman stood a little behind the rest, with her son just in front of her. You would think that by standing at the back she would appear less than the rest but she appeared the most regal of them all. She was my aunt Sitamun, the sister of my mother and she looked so much like my mother that I recognised her immediately. In no time at all she had moved forward and was hugging me to her breast. At last I felt some comfort, the first since waving goodbye to my mother.

Smenkhare was the son of Sitamun and her brother Akhenaten and at this time he was about 13 years old. There was an immediate bonding between us and he became my saviour at this strange court full of strange and frightening people. None of my people were allowed to stay and so I came to depend upon Sitamun and Smenkhare for everything until I had learned the language and made friends with my new sisters, brothers and cousins. Apparently, at the time of my arrival at Akhetaten it was not decided who I was eventually to marry. I was a gift with a condition and that condition was that I be made a part of the Royal Family in every way. As I grew up I became aware of just how well Akhenaten fulfilled that condition.

In the carvings and paintings that were to be seen all over Akhetaten I was depicted as being the natural born daughter of Nefertiti and Akhenaten. Nowhere was my true arrival depicted and none was allowed to speak of it. The little ones were told that I was just as much a sister to them as Meritaten and Meketaten. I clung desperately to my memories of my true parents but as time went by my memories of them faded and were partially replaced by the ones created for me on all the walls around me. Never was a home so well decorated as ours was. Our family history was continually being portrayed around me - a history that was not always accurate.

Akhenaten had the belief that you could create your own reality and one of his theories was that if people are continually told that something is a certain way they will eventually believe it even if it is not actually that way. Only certain events were portrayed on the walls and only in the way that Akhenaten wanted them to be. In my own case it was portrayed upon the walls that I was born to Akhenaten and Nefertiti and after awhile people would chuck me under the chin and say things like, " I remember the day you were born so well. I was doing this or that when the glorious news of a new daughter born to our great Pharaoh by his Great Royal Wife was brought to me. Oh, I remember it so well." I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to scream at them that they were so stupid. I did not understand the reasoning behind this practice of creating this unreal reality. It got to the stage that I would scour the walls to see what was being shown. It amazed me how often things were changed and people would be rubbed out. I noticed that soon after being rubbed out they disappeared from court. I trusted nothing that was said to me. I looked behind the appearances of everything, all the while maintaining my own facade of Royal Princess of the Blood. As much as I fought my new identity within myself, I intuitively knew that my future depended on living this lie.

Somewhere deep within me I clung to who I really was. I was determined never to completely give in to the myth of my beginnings and therefore I looked for the truth in all that was going on around me. I think that it was this that caused me to be alert to conspiracies and believe me, there were many going on. After a time I realised that it was not Akhenaten who was "rubbing people out". Others were using his techniques to create their own reality as it suited them. I wondered how he could be so unaware of what was going on around him. In the first three years that I was there I learned much of what was going on.

Even though Nefertiti was supposed to be my mother it was Sitamun who mothered me. Smenkhare became more than a brother to me. It is time that I explained some family history as it really was. Sitamun and Akhenaten were half brother and sister. Sitamun’s father was the previous Pharaoh, Amenhotep III and her mother was, "Someone who came in the back door". Sitamun would never explain what she meant by that and no one else ever spoke of Sitamun’s mother. Akhenaten and Sitamun were married before Akhenaten married Nefertiti. Smenkhare was born to them. He was a beautifully normal child in every way. Following him came two horribly deformed children who were strangled at birth. To all outward appearances the Royal family produced nothing but perfection and so nowhere will you find this recorded. Sitamun loved Akhenaten as a brother and as a wife but the horror and grief of producing two deformed children caused her to make a most painful decision. Never would she share Akhenaten’s bed again until she was past childbearing age. This grieved them both and Akhenaten begged her to reconsider but she was a woman of great strength and held firm in her resolve. All records of their marriage were destroyed. Smenkhare retained his place in the line of ascension to the throne and because Sitamun was a legitimate daughter of a Pharaoh she retained her natural position of Queen in all but name. Akhenaten consulted her in all affairs of state and of his religion. No other man mattered to Sitamun and so she refused all offers of remarriage.

Amenhotep III noticed that certain family traits were accentuated in the Royal children born of incestuous marriages and what happened to Sitamun and Akhenaten was not unusual although well hidden from common knowledge. It was thought that perhaps this intermarrying was not strengthening the Royal Blood but weakening it and so Akhenaten was encouraged to marry Nefertiti who was not so closely of the Egyptian Royal Blood as was Sitamun. Nefertiti became Great Royal Wife when Akhenaten became Pharaoh but she never received the respect that Sitamun naturally received. A lot of the wall paintings were to offset this and Sitamun was never portrayed upon the walls, but it never succeeded in gaining Nefertiti that respect she yearned for. Sitamun’s very existence, "got up her nose" so to speak and she took every opportunity to make subtle references to Sitamun’s dead children and her loss of a physical relationship with Akhenaten. One day she went too far and sent forth a barb to Sitamun that Akhenaten caught the undeniable meaning of. That was the end of Nefertiti, publicly that is. She was immediately demoted to the role of a minor wife and was no longer depicted on the walls. The woman who took her place publicly was the mother of Akhenaten’s only other surviving son, Tutankhaten.

Akhenaten’s two sons Smenkhare and Tutankhaten were the most important people in the world to him. They were normal to look at and healthy and represented his hope for the future of the reign of the One God, Aten. He never allowed them to be portrayed on the walls when they were children because he did not want attention drawn to them. If they did not exist then they could not be destroyed.

 Nefertiti continued to live and plot and plan in the background. She became very friendly with General Horemheb. Now there was a gentleman who knew how to create his own reality. To all outward appearances he was Akhenaten’s staunch ally and friend but below the surface he was involved in some sort of intrigue involving Nefertiti. I was but a child and therefore did not have the maturity to match my skill of detecting the truth below the surface appearances. I did not know just what their relationship was but I knew in my heart that they were up to no good. This frightened me, as I did not know what to do about it. I tried to tell Sitamun that she needed to watch Nefertiti and Horemheb but she told me that they were just up to the sort of games that adults play and that it was better that Nefertiti was occupied with Horemheb than trying to regain Akhenaten’s favour. I tried to feel reassured by her words but I could not lose the sense of danger surrounding Akhenaten.

Akhenaten was a very strange man in that he was very kind and considerate to everyone around him. Nothing like my own father who went about his palace barking commands at people and meting out harsh punishments for the slightest wrong. Perhaps Akhenaten was too kind and considerate for his own good. My father would have killed Nefertiti rather than risk the wrath of a scorned woman. In hindsight, in my opinion, that could have saved us a lot of heartache.

Tutankhaten’s mother was a very pretty woman with a kind heart and everyone called her Kyia. That was not her real name but no one ever called her anything but that. Even Tutankhaten called her that. She seemed to be in excellent health and she always brought a smile to Akhenaten’s face …… and a scowl to Nefertiti’s. Sitamun approved of her and that was important to Akhenaten. One day she was found dead in her bed. It was such a shock to all of us and everyone but me assumed that she must have had a secret illness that she was keeping from everyone. Did no one but me see through the mask of sadness that Nefertiti wore? Did no one but me see the glint in her eye every time Kyia was mentioned? It seems so. Poor little Tutankhaten was now motherless and I could see the wisdom of Akhenaten’s in that the boy did not appear on the walls. Perhaps he could slip into the background and be safe.

It was soon after this that Nefertiti pushed her own daughter by Akhenaten forward as suitable to be Great Royal Wife. Akhenaten did not seem to be in favour of this at first but after awhile he agreed that this was the proper thing to do. So it came to be that Akhenaten married his own daughter, Meritaten and she became Great Royal Wife. Now life became even harder for me to bear because Meritaten had always treated me as an inferior and now she took every opportunity to slight me in public. I slipped into the background as much as possible so as not to give her the opportunity to insult me. Nefertiti tried to gain favour with Akhenaten through Meritaten but it did not work. Nefertiti had committed the unforgivable sin of hurting the one woman who meant the most to Akhenaten, his sister Sitamun and for this he always turned cold faced towards her.

Akhenaten told Sitamun that as soon as Meritaten had given birth to a living child he would marry her to Smenkhare and that he would marry me. She thought this news would make me happy but it did not. I was fond of Akhenaten but I loved Smenkhare and in my heart I was sure that he loved me and that Aten meant us to be married. I did a terrible thing. I prayed to Aten to deliver Meritaten of a stillborn child so that Akhenaten’s plan would not eventuate.

Alas for me, Meritaten delivered a living and seemingly healthy and normal girl and as soon as she was well enough she was married to Smenkhare. My heart was broken and all Sitamun could say was that a Princess’s lot was not an easy one. Meritaten took every opportunity to make my hurt felt more keenly. Smenkhare just looked at me with hurt in his eyes and I knew that he too was hurting as I was. While all this was going on Nefertiti was staying demurely in the background, something that I had begun to distrust intensely for Nefertiti was anything but demur.

Now, everyone had come to accept that I was just as much a natural daughter of Nefertiti as Meritaten and that since Meketaten was dead I was the next eldest of hers and Akhenaten’s daughters. Therefore she was expected to be just as excited by my marriage to Akhenaten as she was by Meritaten’s. By now I had learned how to play my part well and this I did, giving proper difference and respect to my "mother". For reasons of her own Nefertiti also played the game.

I was married to Akhenaten with all due ceremony and Nefertiti had her moment of glory. I lost no time in reminding her that she owed all favours she may receive to me, which in hindsight was not a wise thing to do but at the age of 11 years a girl usually does not have the wisdom that a girl in my position really needed to have. I also lost no time in queening it over Meritaten.

It was in the time that I was his wife that I really got to know the true Akhenaten and to understand the reasoning behind some to the things that he did. Akhenaten explained to me that he wanted to strengthen his bloodline while staying within tradition.

The need to strengthen the bloodline was obvious as many royal children were stillborn, or had to be strangled at birth because of abnormalities. As they developed some of those who seemed normal turned out to be, "idiot children" and were smothered. Others were sickly and did not live long. None of this was portrayed on the walls of course. Akhenaten hoped that by not drawing attention to this aspect of life it would weaken it. This situation concerned him greatly and was not new to this generation but something that most people of the court had taken as normal for generations. Akhenaten knew within his heart that it was not normal.

Already he had stirred up a lot of opposition to himself and his rule by insisting on the Religion of the One God, Aten and he did not want opposition in other areas. He wanted his bloodline to be strong so that it would endure and allow the Religion of the One God, Aten to flourish in the land and the only way he could see to do that was to stop the close intermarrying within the family. He felt that he could not risk such a dramatic break with tradition as to stop the intermarrying completely and so he was always looking for ways of introducing new blood. Of course it was no new thing for Pharaoh to have many wives from different countries and they always brought new blood with them. However, traditionally it was their children, if any, who were sent away in political marriages and the bloodline at home got little benefit.

He thought that the blood of my father who was in no way related to anyone in Egypt would be strong enough to overcome the fact that my mother did have some of the royal blood. There was a mystery surrounding the parentage of my mother and Sitamun that I could never get Akhenaten to uncover. Perhaps he didn't know the truth.  When I came of age I would become his Great Royal Wife or the wife if Smenkhare or Tutankhaten, depending on circumstances at the time. He knew he was clutching at straws somewhat but he knew he had to save the dynasty while not causing any more controversy and he felt that time was on his hands. He saw me as the mother of future Pharaohs of his bloodline, somehow.

The case of Nefertiti and Sitamun showed him that a woman who was not a daughter of Pharaoh would never have the natural respect that a daughter of Pharaoh, as Great Royal Wife, would have. Therefore he took the rather drastic action of creating my existence as his and Nefertiti’s natural daughter so that I would have that respect natural to a Pharaoh’s daughter as well as all of the other advantages this would have under the traditional way of things. At the time that he did this Nefertiti was at the height of her favour with Akhenaten and she agreed wholeheartedly to this plan. Perhaps the reason she never openly exposed it was because she hoped to make use of it to her advantage in some way. This is something I will never know.

This then placed me third in the Royal Line of Marriage, which meant that Meritaten and Meketaten were ahead of me and so while they both lived and Nefertiti was Great Royal Wife, I was destined, by tradition, to be the wife of little Tutankhaten. However, Akhenaten knew that Meritaten and Meketaten were not in good health and did not expect them to live long lives whereas he expected me to be in exceptional health because the custom of close family intermarrying was not in effect in my country of birth.

Meketaten died in my second year in Egypt but Meritaten’s health improved and Nefertiti’s disgrace and Kyia’s untimely death meant that Akhenaten should make her his Great Royal Wife. The child they had together was normal and so he followed through with the plan that he had told Sitamun about, which was to marry Meritaten to Smenkhare to strengthen his claim as heir to the throne. He hoped that together they would have strong and healthy children, although he doubted that it would be possible. He was by this time starting to despair of ever being able to strengthen the bloodline as he had hoped. He was not prepared to give up yet though. As I was next in the Royal Line of Marriage he felt that he could marry me and focussed his hopes on our being able to have a normal, strong and healthy boy child. He felt that it would be good to have more sons than just the two precious boys he had already and at least he would be introducing new blood into the family in a way that made it appear more "pure" than it was.

I think it should be said here that he really wasn’t sexually interested in little girls. He was a husband to Meritaten only until she became pregnant and then he became her father once more. It was the same with me. Once I became pregnant our relationship changed. I had never before felt that he was my father and so I was able to accept him as a husband. However, it was as my mentor or teacher that I came to love him and that is the relationship that we had up until his untimely death.

Once I understood why my identity had been changed I could let go of Nadiamerimemni and become Ankhsenpaaten wholeheartedly. I did not lose my distrust of all that seemed to be the truth in my surroundings but I knew that I could trust Smenkhare, Sitamun and Akhenaten. Akhenaten suggested that it would be wise of me to get to know Tutankhaten and gain his trust and friendship. This I did and it wasn’t hard as he was a lovable child. He was very bright and got into all sorts of mischief. Sitamun called him, "the brat" but she meant it affectionately. I tried not to think about Smenkhare and Meritaten but to concentrate on my role as Great Royal Wife.

It was not long before I was pregnant and it was then that Akhenaten became my teacher. He taught me how to meditate to commune with Aten. He explained how it is that we can create our own reality and that we must be very careful that we think positive thoughts and surround ourselves with beautiful things and things and images of happiness if we want happiness in our lives. I said to him, "But you are not happy." He replied, "I am still creating my happiness. One day it will happen. The things that are worth having are worth working hard and long to attain."

Many of the things he taught me I could not understand and when I complained that it was a waste of time to teach me he said that he was also teaching our child in the womb and that both the child and I would understand and use his teachings one day, in this lifetime or another. Akhenaten’s vision of the Afterlife was not the traditional one. He said that he knew that he had lived lives before and could remember parts of them. He could see how events in those lives affected the one he was living now. He said that he knew he would live many more lives until he had mastered this physical world and then he would be able to ascend to the next level of existence. I tried to understand. I tried to comprehend. I knew that one day it would all make sense. I wholeheartedly accepted his concept of the One God.

Throughout my pregnancy I was plagued by nightmares that I would give birth to a monster and I tried very hard to visualise a perfectly normal and healthy child. When our daughter was born Akhenaten was a little disappointed that she was not a boy but she was so obviously healthy and physically normal that he could not contain his happiness. I worried that she may be an "idiot child" but he would have none of that idea. He said he could see the intelligence in her eyes and that I was worrying over nothing. I hoped that he was not fooling himself and I could not decide whether to allow myself to love her or to put her aside until I knew that I would not have to lose her. It should have been a time of happiness for a young mother but I was terrified that she would turn out to be an "idiot child". I was happy to let her nurse take care of her so that I would not become too attached to her so that if she had to die I would not be so hurt. Akhenaten, on the other hand, spent much time with her. Sometimes I joined him and my heart would soften but then I would close it off. I think it saddened him that I felt this way about our child. I would not allow her to be named until I knew that she could live and so Akhenaten called her Ankhsenpaaten’s Child as a form of a name.

In order to keep my mind off my child I started to take notice of the undercurrents swirling around me. I sensed that Nefertiti and Horemheb were up to something but I could not discern what. Perhaps it was my immaturity that caused me to be unable to understand the things that I saw going on beneath the surface. One thing for sure, I mistrusted Nefertiti and Horemheb more than anyone else. I started to listen to the talk of the slaves when they were unaware of my presence and soon picked out one whom I felt was loyal to both Akhenaten and Sitamun and hostile to Nefertiti and Horemheb. I gave him a position of authority in my personal household and he proved to be my saviour in later years. His name was Hopi. He knew which of the other slaves we could trust and which we could not. I taught Hopi all that I could of what Akhenaten taught me and it was good to talk to him about these things as we could help each other to understand them.

Akhenaten was so pleased with this daughter of ours that he planned that we would try to create another child when she was one year old. He wanted to make sure that I had regained my full physical health before becoming pregnant again. He sensed that this was important. My mental health was a source of worry to him. He realised that when I knew our child was as intelligent as he said she was, then I would regain my mental health and until then he would have to put up with my obsession with what was going on around the place.

He knew that the priests of Amun were stirring up trouble for him but as a part of his strategy of creating the reality he wanted he refused to give this any of his energy except in visualising the growth in strength of the Religion of the One God, Aten. Perhaps if more people also visualised this he would have ultimately succeeded. As it was, a greater number of people were working towards the re-establishment of the old religions, led by the cult of Amun. After awhile Hopi and I began to suspect that Nefertiti and Horemheb were also working with the priests of Amun. By the time we were convinced of this and I was ready to tell Akhenaten all about what we had uncovered it was too late. Akhenaten was found dead in his bed just as Kyia had been.

The very loud and obvious grief of Nefertiti was something to behold. She fooled everyone but Hopi and I. We decided that it would be prudent to keep what we knew to ourselves. Akhenaten had been murdered but we dared say nothing of this as Horemheb had taken charge of things and even Sitamun was relying upon him for support in her time of great grief. Another person who suddenly appeared to be very close to Horemheb was Nefertiti’s Uncle, Aye who had been one of Akhenaten’s advisers. I had never had a reason to take very much notice of him until now. Anyone who was particularly close to Horemheb immediately took my attention and I started to watch him closely.

One little girl of 13 years was growing up very quickly. Akhenaten was dead, murdered, but I could do nothing to bring him back. Perhaps I could still do something to keep his dream of a strong bloodline and the growth of the Religion of the One God, Aten, alive. I buried my grief in planning the future and acting quickly.

A couple of months before this Meritaten had died of a fever. She had never fully recovered from the birth of her daughter to Akhenaten and so it was no surprise that she and Smenkhare had no child in the time they were married. Smenkhare was now the one who should be Pharaoh and according to tradition he should marry the eldest daughter of his father. To all intents and purposes, this was me. Although I was heartsick at the loss of my teacher, mentor and friend I took comfort in that at last tradition was going to work in my favour. I had never ceased to love Smenkhare and now there was no obstacle to our marriage. In the midst of my grief I found a glimmer of happiness. It was, however, a happiness tinged with fear.

It was Sitamun who went ahead and arranged our marriage ceremony. It gave her some comfort to do what she knew Akhenaten would have wanted and even in her grief she was sensitive to the fact that Nefertiti was always in the wings, waiting for her chance to move forward again. She wasn’t going to allow anyone else to guide the destiny of her son and Akhenaten’s primary heir.

The thing I remember most about my marriage ceremony to Smenkhare was standing by his side and feeling terrified that he would be assassinated as Akhenaten had been. I determined then and there to convince him that we must go through the motions of favouring the cult of Amun while at the same time working at spreading the Religion of the One God, Aten. Akhenaten had started associating Re with Aten just as the priests of Amun had done. This was why he gave his last two daughters with Nefertiti names that ended in "re". Smenkhare already had the "re" on the end of his name and so it was easy to suggest that Aten had always been associated with Re. Perhaps we could in our own hearts associate Aten with Re and then favour the cult of Amun Re and somehow win the battle for the Religion of the One God, Aten, even if Aten had to change to Re as Nadiamerimemni had changed to Ankhsenpaaten. These were the thoughts that raced through my mind as I was being married to Smenkhare. I felt in my heart that Akhenaten would approve of my plans if in the end his spiritual principles survived into the future. We would have to be very careful and take our time in creating the reality that we wanted.

Smenkhare was only 18 years old and so would still be very reliant on his much older advisers of which Aye and Horemheb were the two most prominent. Akhenaten had always consulted Sitamun before he did anything that had to do with the government of the country and so I felt that it was going to be Sitamun, Smenkhare and I against Horemheb, Aye and Nefertiti. I was very concerned that Sitamun was relying on Horemheb at that very moment.

How powerless I felt during the next three years. With Akhenaten gone many who had supported him in establishing and maintaining the Religion of the One God, Aten seemed to fall away from us. At first they pledged their dedication to Akhenaten’s dream but without his charismatic presence they soon fell into the old ways and the cult of Amun became popular once more. As much as I loved Smenkhare, I knew that he did not have his father’s "Vision" of the universe and he was easily persuaded to compromise. I have to admit that I encouraged him in this compromise because I was so afraid that he too would be murdered. The only person other than Sitamun and Smenkhare who I could trust was Hopi and he was but a slave. It is true that I had given him a position of authority in my household but he had no influence compared to Horemheb or Aye.

Sitamun maintained her natural position of respect and authority as the mother of Pharaoh while Nefertiti gained a measure of respect as the mother of Pharaoh’s wife. On the surface they were very polite to each other. Neither of them sought out the other’s company. Nefertiti had her friends in whose company she spent most of her time while Sitamun had her intimate circle with whom she relaxed when she was not busy with affairs of State. Smenkhare had wisely insisted on her position as adviser on State matters just as Akhenaten had done. My only concern there was that she listened too attentively to Horemheb and Aye although, to give them credit, they were brilliant statesmen and apart from the religious issues, the country prospered. Whenever I tried to warn her against them she would tell me to stop seeing things that were not there. After awhile I gave up as I realised that she considered that my fears were the irrational feelings of someone slightly unbalanced.

Hopi may have been only a slave but he was very intelligent and had a network of informers throughout the land who kept him informed about all the various political and religious plots and conspiracies brewing. It was through his information that I knew that we had to be wary of Horemheb and Aye. Nefertiti was less of a threat at this time because she had a measure of the respect that she had always craved. Her uncle, Aye was a man whose loyalties belonged to whoever was in power. At this time he sensed that Horemheb was shaping up to be the real power behind the throne and so he was loyal to him because of this and not through a personal liking of the man. Horemheb wanted power and at this time appeared to be satisfied with being the power behind the throne. However, he was a very "showy" man and I could not help but wonder how long he would be satisfied to be in the background.

In almost three years of marriage I had not become pregnant to Smenkhare. I had proved that I could conceive and so I reluctantly had to admit to myself that Smenkhare was sterile and not the perfect man-child that his father was so sure would continue the Dynasty. Smenkhare was hoping that we would have children and so I did not tell him what I knew to be the truth. This was a very important issue as a Pharaoh without heirs was a Pharaoh in a very weak position. Eventually I had to tell him that I felt that he would never sire an heir and suggested that he publicly appoint Tutankhaten as his heir. He was reluctant at first but then when his mother, Sitamun, also suggested it, he reluctantly gave in. From that time on Tutankhaten was at his side during all state functions and when he was away in the old Capital Tutankhaten was nominally in charge at home. I say nominally, as the boy was only nine years old.

My life during my marriage to Smenkhare was dominated by fear. The only time I was free of it was when I held him in my arms for I knew that in that instant he was safe. The worst times were when he was away on state business in the old Capital. At these times I suffered nightmares in which I would come into the main part of the palace from my rooms to see Smenkhare being carried, dead, into the palace. I would awake screaming and the only one who could comfort me was Hopi who, I now know, would tell me lies about the latest information he had so that I would feel that Smenkhare could not possibly be in immediate danger.

It was at a time when Smenkhare was away in the old Capital that Hopi came to me with the very disturbing news of a plot to murder Tutankhaten by poisoning him. I immediately assigned food tasters to him and made the arrangements for him to be attended at all times by those who we knew could be trusted. It was while I was making the arrangements to send him to a smaller house in the country that my nightmare became a reality.

As I strode into the palace from my apartments I heard a great commotion and there before me a group of men came in carrying another man. "Pharaoh is dead." one of them cried. I screamed and tried to get to him but suddenly all these people were around me, holding me back from going to my love. "I was screaming, "Murdered, murdered, he was murdered."

The next thing I knew I was dragging myself awake and falling back to sleep and dragging myself awake again. Each time I awoke I was aware of Sitamun beside me muttering, "rewrite the walls, rewrite the walls", over and over again.

After four days I awoke and was able to remain awake. Sitamun was with me and this time she was muttering, "Smenkhare", over and over again. I called for Hopi and he appeared instantly. It was he and Sitamun who had kept me drugged so that I would not scream to all and sundry the names of those who had killed Smenkhare. To save our lives we had to keep quiet about this and to go along with the story that he had come down with a fever, which killed him.

I wanted to die. I did not want to live without Smenkhare and then I remembered that I had a daughter. She was now four years old and she was just as intelligent as Akhenaten said she was. I really did not know her and yet suddenly she was my world and I wanted to live for her. "Rewrite the walls", Sitamun had said. Create my own reality, that is what I will do. I will live for my daughter and I will make a life that is worth living. Then I thought of Tutankhaten and was suddenly afraid for him. Hopi assured me that he was alive and well and that Aye and Horemheb were going through the motions of declaring him Pharaoh. I realised immediately that their plan would be to use him as their puppet king. Well, if anyone was going to use him as a puppet king it was going to be me. At least I loved him. I did not know it at the time but Aye also loved him.

Sitamun was in deep depression. It was not only because of the death of Smenkhare but the realisation that what I had been trying to tell her all these years was true. She had to accept that Akhenaten was murdered and that Smenkhare was also murdered and she tortured herself with wondering if she could have prevented both murders if she had looked below the surface appearances. I tried to get her to transfer some to her great love to her little niece, my daughter, but she was too numb. She never fully recovered and slipped in and out of deep depression for the rest of her life.

Suddenly an unexpected ally appeared. Nefertiti was proposing to me the very thing that I had planned to do, which was to insist that I marry Tutankhaten as I was the eldest Royal Princess and it was the custom for Pharaoh to marry the eldest Royal Princess. I was going to make those pictures on the walls work for me but when Nefertiti suggested this I immediately doubted the wisdom of it. It was my natural instinct to mistrust that woman but Hopi had done a lot of detective work and found out that Horemheb had put Nefertiti aside in favour of a younger and prettier mistress. She now had a good reason to want him to fall from power. As she was accepted as my mother she would retain her exalted position and could savour her revenge on Horemheb. I decided to continue with my plans but would never be able to truly trust Nefertiti. However as time went on she proved to be reliable.

Tradition was adhered to and I became a wife for the third time. This was a marriage in name only as Tutankhaten was only nine years old and I was sixteen. I was glad of this at this time because I was grieving for Smenkhare and had no desire to be with another man. We felt that it was safer to keep Horemheb in his position as adviser rather than to be openly hostile to him. By now I realised that staying alive was the one important thing and all plans of keeping the flame of the Religion of the One God, Aten alive were forgotten for a time.

I was determined that I would not live a life of fear again. I went with the flow and when it was suggested that Tutankhaten change his name to Tutankhamun I agreed without a whimper of protest and even suggested that I also change my name to Ankhsenamun. I did however insist that my precious daughter have the name Ankhsenpaaten. She was Akhenaten’s daughter and I could not betray his memory to that extent. What I did outwardly was one thing but my inner spiritual life belonged to me and in my heart I was faithful to Aten.

Time wore on and I had the things that I wanted to happen painted on the walls. Pictures of a happy young couple in love. In my mind they were pictures of Smenkhare and me and how I knew it could have been for us. I was very fond of Tutankhamun and tried to make a happy life for him as he grew into manhood. Our marriage was eventually consummated and I became pregnant. We were overjoyed at the prospect of an heir. Our joy was shortlived as I delivered too early and the child did not live. Again this happened and I knew in my heart that this was my punishment for wanting Meritaten to bear a stillborn child all those years ago.

My daughter was approaching marriageable age and I was very seriously considering marrying her to Tutankhamun so that our Dynasty could continue. I knew the risks of inbreeding but I wanted my child to have a chance at life. I did not have the courage to flout tradition and so whom could my daughter marry but Tutankhamun. I have to admit that I did not want to be displaced by a woman from a foreign land. I enjoyed being Queen and I would still have all my rank and position if I was the mother of Pharaoh’s Great Royal Wife. I had considered Tutankhamun mine for so many years now that I was not prepared to step into the background and let some stranger guide him. I was twenty-five years old and not getting any younger or prettier. Now I could understand how Nefertiti must have felt when Akhenaten demoted her to the status of minor wife.

As I was formulating these plans the unthinkable happened. Tutankhamun died from a blow to the head. Apparently he had an accident while out hunting. He fell and hit his head on a rock and did not regain consciousness. This is what was surmised as he was found lying on the ground with a wound to his head where it lay on a bloodied rock. Ankhsenpaaten would have screamed murder and pointed the finger at Horemheb. Ankhsenamun chose to ignore the latest report from Hopi of a plot by Horemheb to murder Pharaoh and to accept that it was an accident.

However, Ankhsenamun was no fool. What was the likely scenario now? I was still the eldest daughter of a Pharaoh and so for the moment I was supreme ruler. I would be expected to marry and that man become Pharaoh. Who was the most popular person with the people? General Horemheb who had restored some of Egypt’s lost glory. Was I going to sink that low? No, no, no.

Nefertiti suggested that I write to Suppiluliumas, the Hittite king and ask him to send one of his many adult sons to marry me. She reminded me that I was still young enough to have children and with a healthy young man from a foreign country I could yet achieve Akhenaten’s dream to create a strong and healthy dynasty. She forgot the reason that Akhenaten wanted a strong and healthy dynasty was to ensure the growth of the Religion of the One God, Aten. So far I had failed him miserably there but who knows what the future holds and so I wrote to Suppiluliumas and we had to delay the entombment of Tutankhamun until I got a reply as the next Pharaoh has an important role in the proceedings. I used the excuse that Tutankhamun was so young that nothing was prepared for him in the afterlife and I was not going to hurry the way we did with Smenkhare, borrowing bits and pieces. I set the finest craftsmen to work and oversaw much of their work when it came to depicting events from our lives. It was at this time that I found out just how much Aye loved Tutankhamun. He was prostrate with grief and it was genuine.

Finally Suppiluliumas replied and he had the audacity to doubt my credentials. I was horrified until Nefertiti rather sarcastically reminded me of who I truly was. So, I had finally succumbed to the reality that Akhenaten had created for me and I had genuinely forgotten who I really was. I experienced a moment of fear until I realised that Nefertiti had too much to lose to expose me now. I wrote to Suppiluliumas and suggested that he send someone to see for him that indeed I was who I said I was and that a son of his would be Pharaoh. He agreed to this but far too much time was passing and Horemheb was plotting again. Hopi got word to me that I had better marry someone quickly or I would be forced to marry Horemheb. Sitamun, Nefertiti and Aye were with me at the time and suddenly Aye looked very safe as a marriage prospect. He was elderly and not in good health and so if I married him I could expect to be a widow in a few short years and maybe then I could marry a son of Suppiluliumas. I was counting on this son of Suppiluliumas to be strong enough to put Horemheb in his place.

When I proposed to Aye he said, "Instead of marriage I will be your Co-regent and when a son of Suppiluliumas arrives I will step aside for you to marry him as long as I can keep my position as adviser to Pharaoh." This was a better idea than the one I had and so it was agreed by all present that this was what we would do. The Co-regency ceremony took place with all due pomp and Tutankhamun’s burial also took place with all the ceremony required.

It wasn’t till I saw the final death mask placed upon him that I realised my loss. He looked so much like Smenkhare and all my grief for him flooded back to me and then I remembered all the years that I had felt that I had to protect Tutankhaten from danger and how much I loved him as a person. All I had left now was my daughter, the shell that was Sitamun and the woman who I spent so many years hating, Nefertiti.

All was going well until we got the news that the son that Suppiluliumas was sending was killed on his way to us. Another murder as Hopi’s spies assured him and of course the one most likely to be behind this was Horemheb.

That was it for me. I was too tired and too grieved to fight on and I was not going to allow my daughter to be the one who eventually married Horemheb to secure his place as Pharaoh. We all knew that Aye was not going to live for many years and that when he died Horemheb would become Pharaoh. Aye was no longer capable of fathering children and had no heirs. We did not dare ask Suppiluliumas to send another son. I decided that it was time for me to become who I truly was, Nadiamerimemni. I was going home and I would take my daughter and Sitamun with me. I even offered to take Nefertiti with me but she declined. She said that she would stay with Aye and help him in his role as Pharaoh.  In order to ensure that he would remain Pharaoh after I disappeared I went through the proper marriage ceremony with Aye so that his claim to the throne was legitimate.

Of course we couldn’t just leave. We had to escape and it was thanks to Hopi’s network of spies that we were able to disappear on a journey to one of our country houses. Of course we could not have gotten away with it without the help of Aye and Nefertiti as they kept up a pretence of being in contact with us for a few months. When they got word that we were safely at my brother’s court they gave the word for Hopi to set in motion that which made out that we were set upon by robbers on our way home and nothing was found of us except some of our worthless belongings. Then Hopi made his way to my brother’s court where he was most useful with his network of spies all over Egypt.

Sitamun regained a measure of peace as she spent her last years with her sister. My brother arranged a good marriage for my daughter and I had the pleasure of many grandchildren to brighten my days. Never would I forget Akhenaten, Smenkhare and Tutankhaten and I eagerly followed the politics of Egypt as Hopi kept me informed of what was happening there.

Nadiamerimemni Ankhsenpaaten Ankhsenamun Nadiamerimemni lived to a ripe old age for her time, in the Assyrian city of Ashur surrounded by many grandchildren and greatgrandchildren which gradually put to rest the horrors of the nursery at Akhetaten.

Ankhsenamun's Confession