I, Ankhsenamun have a terrible secret to tell.  It is a secret that I carried to my grave and one that I fought hard to keep from telling.  But tell it I must.  I tell it as Ankhsenamun because that is the name I bore when these events occurred.

As Ankhsenpaaten I married Akhenaten's only surviving male heir Tutankhaten. During our marriage we changed our names to Ankhsenamun and Tutankhamun.  Outwardly we allowed the Religion of the One God Aten to die but in secret we tried to keep the Mystery Schools going. This became increasingly hard as the tablets and scrolls that we used were left back in Akhetaten and so we had to rely on the memories of those who had been members for the longest.

From the age of nine I moulded my beautiful Tutankhamun into the man I envisioned him to be.  It was my aim to bring him to manhood to where he would be a glorious Pharaoh outwardly and a powerful teacher and leader of the Mystery Schools of Aten.  He listened to me and agreed with me and when he was of age he gladly became my husband in the true sense of the word.  I came to love him dearly for he symbolised all my hopes and dreams of the future, based on the promise I made to Akhenaten to keep our dynasty alive and to nurture and make flourish the Religion of the One God Aten and the Mystery Schools.

All was going well except that I could not seem to bear him a living child and of course there was the continual political and religious intrigue that was the background of our existence.

Trying to keep the unity in the Mystery Schools was a nightmare and General Horemheb had somehow managed to become a leading force there.  Much to my surprise Prime Minister Aye stepped forward as my aid to keeping the control of the Mystery Schools for when Tutankhamun reached maturity and would have the natural respect of the members.  For a long time I was very wary of Prime Minister Aye and though I was outwardly friendly I still had reservations.  Tutankhamun adored the man.

At around the age of 17 Tutankhamun's manly instincts began to get the upper hand and he took his pleasure in other places besides my bed.  I tried not to let this bother me as he did still visit my bed on a regular basis.  A part of me knew that what was happening was a natural process and yet I longed to keep that intimacy that we had when he was still a boy.  I also longed to keep the control as he was starting to object to some of my ideas for his future.  He began drinking with his friends and by the time he had reached the age of 18 he was favouring the company of General Horemheb.  As if this wasn't bad enough in my eyes.  To my absolute horror Hopi began bringing me stories of secret meetings between Tutankhamun and the Priesthood of Amun.  Soon these meetings were no longer secret but out in the open and it was becoming clear that my plans for the future of the reinstatement of the Religion of the One God Aten were very much at risk.

Tutankhamun and I had begun to have frequent arguments over his open support for the Priesthood of Amun.  It was not that he had turned his back on all he originally believed in.  He felt that he could somehow have it all.  How naive of him and how frustrated I became as he listened to others and not to me.  Even Aye had trouble getting through to him sometimes.  One thing I was sure of now was that Aye was loyal to the Religion of the One God Aten.  In that we were united.

On that dreadful night I went to Tutankhamun's apartments in a rage over his latest rebellion of my rule over him.  It is not important what it was about as it is the outcome that we are looking at.  I found him in a drinking session with two of his friends.  I very imperiously ordered them from his apartments and I also ordered all the servants back to their quarters so that no one would see or hear our argument.

Tutankhamun was enraged by my ordering his friends and servants from his apartments.  He screamed at me that I had belittled him in front of them and with that he slapped me across the face.  I was stunned.  His brother Smenkhare had slapped me in rage at times but never had Tutankhamun done this to me.  I was so hurt, not physically but emotionally.  Then the rage began to mount within me.  I would not allow him to treat me in this way.  I don't remember what I said exactly but I picked up the half full wine goblet and waved it at him, screaming about how the wine was affecting his judgement and that his friends were no good.  I remember that the wine sloshed from the heavy metal goblet. His words in reply cut me to the bone.  He called me an old woman and spoke of putting me aside for a younger more pliant one.  Such words as this he had never spoken before.  He was very drunk but I did not take that into consideration in the moment.  I was so enraged by what he said that I lashed out at him, not realising that I still held the goblet.  I smashed the goblet into the side of his head.  I don't know if it was more than once as I was blind with rage and hurt.

The next thing I was aware of was him crumpling to the floor with blood streaming down his face.  All rage left me as I went to him and cradled him in my arms.  His eyes were closed and he said nothing.  I was screaming his name and imploring him to speak to me.  He must have been unconscious or perhaps even dead at this stage.  I was covered in blood and crying when Hopi burst into the room.  As usual he had been keeping an eye on me and had heard most of our argument.  He acted quickly.  He told me that Tutankhamun was dead and I was in a lot of trouble unless I shut up and let him take care of things.  He said that I needed the friendship and support of Aye and if he knew that I had accidentally killed his beloved boy he would persecute me.

By this time I was numb and I limply followed Hopi's orders.  He sent a trusted slave to fetch Aye and when he arrived he told him that I had found Tutankhamun in a drunken stupor.  He said that before Tutankhamun passed out he told me that Horemheb had convinced him that he would never be an effective Pharaoh and that he would serve himself and Egypt well if he hastened to the afterlife.  He said that Tutankhamun had said to me that the Priests of Amun had guaranteed him a place of high esteem in the afterlife if he made this sacrifice for the good of Egypt.  According to Hopi I was so enraged with Tutankhamun when he told me this.  As he sank into dying unconsciousness from the poisoned wine he supposedly willing drank I supposedly picked up the wine goblet and smashed it into his head as he died from the poison.

Aye was devastated at the death of Tutankhamun but he believed Hopi's story.  Between them they arranged the cover up of his death.  For those in close proximity to the Royal family he was found dead at the bottom of some stairs after apparently falling whilst drunk.  This was easy to arrange using two of Hopi's trusted henchmen who were loyal to me and the Religion of the One God Aten.  The populace were given a story of him falling from his chariot and hitting his head.  This was arranged by General Horemheb himself as he did not know of the story Hopi had concocted.  It seemed that General Horemheb did not want scandal attached to the Royal House at this time.

Imagine my position.  I had accidentally killed the one most precious to me.  My last memories of him were of the hurtful things he said to me.  I could speak of this to no one but my dear Hopi.  I came to rely of Aye more and more and his kindness to me was like a knife twisting in my heart because I felt that I was betraying him with every breath I took.  This was the real reason why I could not stay in Egypt.  I could not live with the constant reminder of my crime and my betrayal.  Whatever crimes Horemheb may have committed in the past he was innocent of this one that we secretly accused him of.  The lies and the deceit weighed so heavily upon me.

I tried to compensate my precious love by giving him the most wonderful tomb.  Of course it was an empty gesture and I knew it deep within my heart.  I lived such a long life for a woman of that time and not a day of it went by without my thinking of what I did in rage and how cowardly I was in covering it up.  Did I ever forgive myself in that life? No.